I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
