I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
