We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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