It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
