You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
