Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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