4 words: hood of his car
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
MIDGETS
????
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
