so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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