Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
