now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize