Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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