Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
