i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
