Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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