Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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