Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
