Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I am morally bankrupt
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize