I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
