Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
