Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
