If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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