I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
