i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
