Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
