You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize