Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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