apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
