Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
