I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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