the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
