Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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