she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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