There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
