he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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