I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
