i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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