OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
