Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize