Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
