i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
