nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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