i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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