I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I will be naked everywhere
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
