I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
