How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
