I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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