Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
