Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
