I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
