I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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