i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
