I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
