I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
