he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
