fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
