Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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