Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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