i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
