you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
