so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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