I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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