Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
