I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
